Blackbird – the beatles

 Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Choices to make, mistakes to commit, problems to resolve, and projects to cram, maybe with all these stuffs, I am going to be able to live up all the things that I am doing right now. Maybe with all the things that are happening in my life I will learn to breakaway from this time and finally move on to see the better side and the greener pastures. As I walk in my surreal life, I still can see the moments of slow emotions wherein I seek someone to hold, a hand to guide me, and someone to talk to, someone who will call me with my real name. As time freezes I still see the moments of sorrow from within the eyes of my reflections. There are still complications, there are still hindrances in life, and there are still those who try to steal my happiness away. I still do question, I still am confused by how the wind blows. There are still motions to be unraveled…hope that I’ll soon be able to pick up my broken wings and learn to fly…take those sunken eyes and learn to see…

Well, it’s been ages since I last updated all my stuffs here in the internet. Why? Well, first, is because of the earthquake that affected the internet connection in some countries, including ours. And second, is because of the many heavy things that are being thrown to us at school. Now that our mid-term is coming, it will be harder, more complicated and more nerve racking. We have so many requirements to finish and lessons to understand fully. I am kind of thankful right now that I was given this fever because at least whether I like it or not I have to take a rest…hehe.. I do hope I’ll pass my exams, because I know I am doing my part as a student, I work hard, and exceed my limits whenever I am studying….and now that I am so busy with this kind of stuffs I think I might not be able to visit the internet regularly…but good thing I have my phone now, I can go mobile!!!! Yehey!!!! Well still, I find it hard coping again after almost two weeks of doing nothing and just lying around our house…heheh happy new year everybody!!

Hey, since I am about to turn seventeen, here are the seventeen things that I realized about life and stuffs…

1. Sometimes we are so afraid that we might regret doing something that we ended up regretting not doing it
2. We sometimes we too busy being noisy about ourselves that we forget to sit down for a while and listen to the beautiful things that surrounds us
3. we get too familiar to things that we forget to just go back to the basics – thanks “d cheese decays!”
4. life is supposed to be simple, we’re the only ones who made it complicated
5. living in the past is just a waste of time, time cannot bring anything or anyone back
6. don’t ask for the answers now, live the questions, cause you are not going to be able to live it.
7. take risk
8. boundaries won’t keep other people out, they fence you in until you are trapped in it – grey’s anatomy
9. once you learned to die you learn to live – Tuesdays with morrie
10. smile, really, it works!
11. enjoy everything that is catered for you, don’t act blind and try to look for something else, everything you need is there.
12. We are not puppets when it comes to fate and destiny…it’s how we react on it that makes us and defines us
13. If you don’t know what to believe in anymore, go back to the reason why you believe
14. Look up! Even for a while, and think that you can make it!
15. being alone is not so bad after all!
16. don’t grow old, grow up…
17. never fail to learn the lesson…cause that what’s make our trials and problems worthwhile…

I was looking around my bloggies…and I saw a comment on one of my past blogs “EMOTIONS FROM THE PAST” he said to me that “it helps if you know who you are, what you want and where you want to be. Fate is not mystical, you have to fight for your destiny.” And to my surprise…I always tell that to my friends who just don’t know what to do out of life… know who you are, what you want and where you want to be … how surprising it is to just to realize that I can’t live with the advice that I am giving to my friends… And now I am asking to myself, who am I? At this moment do I really know who I am or am I just being blind or letting myself be blinded by the blur that is surrounding me? Am I, again, a stranger to myself? I don’t know…who am I? It is really that hard to realize and know who am I truly? I know who am I, a writer, a kid, a free soul dancing around this world so carefree and happy…though I little bit troubled and jaded…I know what I have believe in…that’s me…what on earth do I want? Where do I want to be? I think at this moment I am happy to be where I am…though the thing is, choosing something between what I want and what I love is very hard…I don’t really know…I mean, right now I am happy…I don’t know…so confusing…because right now…I know, this is reality, not fantasy nor destiny nor a dream where you can choose to wake up all the time…it’s just so hard…so hard…

Tears are falling in this cold rue that had trapped those who dreamt of life amidst the storm that stranded them. Puppets, they say, who tried to move and survive the grief that fate had brought to them. I cry, for their life’s masterpieces are like everyone else’s, still they have to end up in tragedy. They are like me, a forlorn who wished and hoped for a better life and tomorrow. Yet their music stopped in this miserable stage of indefinite time. How I wish I could sing to them, the life that was still there, for those who are left. And make my effort of digging up the mud with my own bare hands the overcastted those whose life left in misery. Their screams still echo in my dreams. They are like me, a Filipino who fought for life to breathe to them again, a Filipino, who wavered back and forth like a bamboo in the wind. I sing for them my elegy, my sorrows, my tears, and my hopes, may they live and leave in peace.

It is inevitable to see and stand around these confusing thoughts that stopped me from living this life I’m supposed to live. Flipping through the pages of my dictionary trying to find out what the heck I am typing. Whew, another day is over, yes I survived it, after trying to solve every accounting problem there is for more than an hour in the library I made my way home safe and sound. Then again it struck me! If only I can very much live the life that I wanted then I would be very happy. They say that “fate does not come into us from the outside, but emerges from us. It is only because so many people have not absorbed and transformed their fates while they were living in them that they have not realized what was emerging from them.” What on earth is fate? What was emerging from me? Questions so hard to answer, so hard to muster, I just find it so hard to live with it. And then another thing comes. Seeing through the eyes of a dreamer, I still try to fight for what I believe in. I read it again, “don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you will not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now.” so what else can I do but to live with it, hoping to see the answers sooner to be able to move on without any doubts in me.  “perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within you the possibility of creating and forming, as an especially blessed and pure way of living; but take whatever comes, with great trust, and as long as it comes out of your will, out of some need of your innermost self.” I wish I can live up with this perspective, the wondering roads really does mess up my ways and emotions. This twist of fate may have a real purpose but it simply just hung me up for a moment. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to last, I hope I will. “the seemingly uneventful and motionless moment when our future steps into us is so much closer to life than that other loud accidental point of time when it happens to us as if from outside. The quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadnesses, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it becomes out fate; and later on, when it happens (that is step forth out of us to other people), we will feel related and close to our innermost being!”  Hopefully I can own my own fate, for once I will, and then maybe I will learn more in living life.

I lived in this stage for so long, driving myself wild in front of my audience, screaming my sorrow, my happiness and my death. How I wish for everything to end, to everything to just close down. Though I know everyone is watching me they are there doing nothing to comfort me.

It was the breeze that taught me to whisper, to hide myself in a mask and not to whimper. The renditions of my fate have shriveled into dust. And the retaliation of my life is long lost and tired. What will tomorrow bring to me when no one’s there? I have lost myself in the arms of the fateful and faithless. I have driven myself to the endless surreal world that even I can’t understand.

It was one morning when I realize that everything is not the same anymore. Though the outburst of this phenomenon never made the time move faster or slower nor rekindled another thought of a tragic song. Sixteen years, I thought, was it long enough to make all the difference in the world? Is being an adolescent not enough suffering for me? Though it hurts a bit I never thought it would be this sudden, this weird, and this outrageous. The swelling had awakened my vindictive soul to anew, making it think of pulling it out, or just cutting it off. The emotions had ran off now, after standing from my bed, looking at my mirror and trying to swallow the new fact that time is running faster than I thought. Wisdom is what I think it is, though it might be too early for me to understand, I guess it’s time to open my eyes in a different way. I guess I still have to give it some time to grow on me though; this weird thing had me head over heels, topsy-turvy, and kind of a schizophrenic trying to just make it faster to loosen my feelings. It surprisingly not that painful, this wisdom tooth of mine, is coming out, making it harder to chew and bite… heheh

Was it the laconic conversation that left me weightless? The renditions of what I think it is, failed to conceal everything. I thought I was living it perfectly. This surreal world and the barren thoughts have caused me the perdition of everyone else’s action. Trepidation caused it, caused me, to change. Though I tried to stop it, the noise that I am hearing forced me to walk along side with the gruesome thoughts of a gathering storm. Was it the cynical mind that caused this paranoia inside me to awaken? Things are not as clear as they were before, but I think I might survive this without working my ass off that hard. There is nothing to prove anymore, I stand, trying to see and perceive every opportunity there is to be able to make it out alive. What else are there to see? What else are there to show? I might loss it but I know that I never stepped out the line. There are things that are way beyond what others can understand here. Maybe that’s the answer? They just don’t understand everything. The continuous momentum of everyone may leave others in confusion and the only way to be able to get out of it is to try to run faster. It may add more undermining thoughts to others but once they are left behind, what else can they do but, also, to run faster. People are there to shoot you when you least expect it. And there is nothing you can do about it but to watch your back more often than before. Being strong doesn’t have to be seen by everyone, as long as you know you are you’ll survive this chaos.

I guess this chapter in me ends for now. I looked at shooting stars wishing that it will stay the same, for I think that these aesthetic stories that lie within these pages will never happen again. But I have to let go while holding on to the hope that, someday, it will again happen, that, someday, things will stay the same and will be better. Yes, I thought of this thing at first as somber, but now, I am enjoying this as if this is my last. I hope this is not my last, the moment this becomes my past it will continue to linger in my mind. I guess even though I write such dramatic poems and see myself in it, I am happy. I hope this will be continuous. Maybe you don’t understand me, but it is very clear to me. It’s just been a while since I last did these things. I am happy, for I found out facts, secrets, and things that I thought might undermine me someday but eventually made me better. Isn’t it ironic to know such things and to realize such things that, at first, you despise? Well, I am forced to learn it. Now I am a better person. There are so many things that I found beautiful in this chapter. But now all I have to do is face the new chapter coming in my life, cope up with it.