Raindrops hitting his face. Adam opened his eyes and he was staring at the starless night. Grass blades underneath him, bermuda pricking clothes and bare skin, stuck to him like a bed of soft pins. He looked around, turning his head on the grass and found out that he was in the city park. To his right was the patio's edge, the low concrete fence that ran around the church.

Heaviness of the head took over his initial surprise: the onset of hangover. He tried to remember. But thinking was an effort: alcohol-induced nausea not helped any by the bothering raindrops. He couldn't help but wonder if it was already a case of memory breakdown; somebody had told him once how alcohol could kill brain cells.

Just as he was becoming persuaded of his mental retardation, everything, like a familiar landscape slowly revealed while the mist lifted, came back to him. At Manay Letty's sari-sari store in front of the university. They had begun at mid-afternoon. The rest was half-imagined, half-remembered. His classmates Joel and Nelson. Round bottles of gin-four bottles of bilog.

But how did he end up in the park? He did not worry too much about this however. This was not the first time he had found himself sleeping on a surface other than his own bed. He already had a taste of almost everything the small city's terrain could offer--his was a reputation and penchant for passing out in the most unlikely places: roads of all types--concrete, asphalt, gravel, dirt; he had even found himself in a dry ditch once. Grass was a welcome change.

He closed his eyes and was immediately enveloped in slowly whirling darkness. He wished he were home and didn't have to get up. Perhaps the rain, which continued to hit him all over, would go away. Then he could pretend that he was already home, in his bed, and he could go back to sleep.

But the rain would not die; instead, the raindrops got bigger. Finally, he drew himself up. He steadied himself on one hand and got to his feet. Still reeling, he looked around. The nearest shelter was around the church's corner, under the church front's arched concrete awning. But first, he turned and ran for the park taps.

He hurriedly washed his face, gargled, and drank. His throat was so dry and he tried to drink as much as he could, as much as the strengthening rain would allow him. The raindrops kept coming, and as he slowly got wet, the collective patter they made on roof and concrete got louder. He ran for the fence and climbed over it, then ran again, crossing the patio at an angle, racing against the downpour. When he turned the church's corner, he got startled. There, standing before him, was somebody's huge frame. The figure started back. When it did, its face momentarily caught the light of one of the park lamps. It was Udoy.

"Adam! Is it you?"

"Yes."

"You scared me. What are you doing here?"

He fished out his handkerchief as he thought of what he was going to say. "Another session," he finally said, deciding not to tell him the whole truth. He started to wipe himself with the handkerchief. He wasn't going to give Udoy any opening for any smart remarks. Fact was, he didn't like Udoy very much. Udoy was his frat brother. When he joined their fraternity in second year high school, Udoy, a year his senior, was the one who gave him a hard time. Udoy was unflagging, most especially during the Final Rites. When about everyone of his superiors had already given up on him trying to force him to say "Master," Udoy pressed on, whacking him on his backsides with the paddle each time he refused to say that word. He could still hear Udoy's lifted voice shouting. "Say it! Say, 'Yes Master!'" He would refuse, and in his blindfolded darkness, he could hear the swish of the paddle just before it hit his already numbing buttocks and thighs. But the pain, instead of forcing him to submission, emboldened him. "No," he said firmly, "the Lord Jesus Christ is my only Master." Not that he was religious or anything. He just needed some private chant to psyche him up. He had, before the Final Rites, decided on that particular mantra. As it turned out, neither he nor Udoy gave any ground and it took the intervention of the frat head to end the stalemate, perhaps figuring that further punishment was useless since it was clear that he had no intention of giving in. That had been one of his small victories.

"Same old Adam, huh?" he heard Udoy saying.

He just smiled and nodded at this, pocketing back his handkerchief and, with his hands, started, surreptitiously, to brush away whatever dirt and grass that clung to his skin and clothing. "What about you?" he inquired back."

"Same gimmick, 'tol. Tonets and Bahnee are trying to pick up a chick." Tonets and Bahnee were also his frat "brothers." In the shadows, he sensed a smile from Udoy, "Like to come along?"

He did not say anything, nodding again instead, his unique way of saying maybe. Same old Udoy, he thought. When they finally took him in, he took their activities in stride, joining them without really becoming one of them. The drinking seemed the only thing that connected himself to his "brothers." And even when he was with them, most of the time, he just listened. When asked, he replied with whatever answer was necessary, investing nothing more. He had joined the frat to test his limits; camaraderie wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

"C'mon. Everything's all set." Udoy turned around and lightly kicked something which rested against the church door. He heard the clinking of bottles and the crackle of a plastic bag. "I had to take care of that," Udoy said.

There was no need to guess at the contents: bilog. He could only smile to himself. It seemed that almost all his life--starting when he was still in elementary school--those round bottles had been the only constant things, the only things that seemed to define him, and here they were again, as if pulled by his presence, and vice-versa. But the more curious thing was this: on hearing the tinkling bottles, he  suddenly got the craving, notwithstanding the giddiness and still tangy taste in his mouth. God, was he that hopeless? Here he was, still breathing alcohol and hung over and he was already longing to go at it again!

"We have your favorite, 'tol. Gin."

"I think I had enough," he said.

"C'mon, Adam. You? Had enough? That's a new one."

This irritated him. Not so much because of what Udoy implied--that he wasn't capable of change--as Udoy being right. He had to take a leak. There was no other place where he couldn't get wet but the front of the church. He moved closer to the wall, under the bronze marker. He stood very close. He had never been comfortable taking a leak when others were around, even men. It poured heavily now, water rushing down the patio, and the rain and splatter spraying his tennis shoes and the bottom of his jeans. His piss got lost in the rain.

"Still going in this weather?" he said, as he finished up.

"Rain or shine, 'tol," said Udoy. "Ah, here they are."

An owner jeep just showed up at the inclined side entrance, its headlights blurred by the heavy rain. Adam quickly zipped his pants.

The jeep made its way slowly. Finally, it pulled up beside them, a little under the shelter. The big raindrops bounced off the jeep's roof, spraying them. They stepped back a little. It was Bahnee's jeep and lanky Bahnee was driving. Tonets sat beside him.

"Adam!" said Bahnee as he turned off the engine and the headlights.

Tonets was fat and gung-ho as ever. "Adam! "Tol! What are you doing here?"

"Just happened to pass by," Adam said.

"Let's go," said Bahnee.

"How did it go?" asked Udoy.

"She's at the back," said Bahnee. The plastic shade was down and they could not see anything inside the back of the jeep.

"I was asking Adam here to come with us," said Udoy.

"Yes 'tol. Come with us 'tol," said Tonets.

"No. I'm fine. Go ahead."

"Come on, 'tol. We have everything," said Udoy. He picked up the plastic bag and handed it to Bahnee who, in turn, gave it to Tonets. Udoy stepped back to avoid being showered.

"Come with us, Adam," said Udoy. "Besides, look at the rain."

He considered. He thought about going home now, but wondered what he was going home to. Or, he could go with them. Just go along and watch. Just like high school days. He could just charge the whole thing to experience. Sexual experience, that is, something he did not have much of. "Okay," he finally said.

 "That's my 'tol," said Udoy, putting his arm around him.                  

"Way to go Adam!" said Tonets.    

"Let's go," said Bahnee.

Udoy walked quickly toward the jeep and pulled the plastic shade up.

Adam could not see anything inside. Udoy clambered up the jeep, careful not to get soaked. "C'mon Adam," said Udoy from inside the jeep, still holding the shade up. Adam crawled inside as fast as he could.

Then he was face to face with the girl. Udoy was now sitting beside her.

"Guys, I want you to meet Michelle," said Bahnee. Udoy had flicked a lighter on and for the first time he had a good look at her. A white shirt was tucked under her tight-fitting jeans. She was on the voluptuous side: ample breasts and large hips. The lighter's flame now gave her face a rather hideous look (like when somebody lights up his own face with a flashlight under his chin), but he figured that she was fair-looking, even homely. However, she was smiling now and he thought this somewhat appealing. "That's Udoy and that's Adam," said Bahnee.

Udoy did not waste any time. "Hello Michelle," he said, putting his arm around the girl and putting the flame out.

Bahnee started the engine.

***

They were passing through an unlighted part of the dirt road that led to San Roque Subdivision. When they had taken a right earlier, it was when he knew that they were going to Central School. They were going to the grandstand.

"You're too fast," Michelle was saying. She slipped away from Udoy. "Be like your friend here. He's a gentleman." Michelle moved to where he was sitting. "Look how well-mannered he is." She sidled and turned to him, "What was your name again?" He told her. "I'll stay with you for a while, huh, Adam?" She moved closer, putting her arm around his waist, feigning affection. He felt her soft against him. She smelled of soap.

No girl had been this close to him before. He sat erect, his hands clasped, like in a prayer, between his thighs. Michelle continued to lean against him and he feared she could smell him reeking of gin. But if she did, she didn't let on.

The jeep ran over something and he realized that Udoy was staring at the two of them. The road was still unlighted and he could not see his face. He knew however that Udoy was smiling.

It continued to pour.

***

The jeep swung to the right, parking between the grandstand and one of the bleachers. He had heard a lot about the old grandstand. He went to elementary school in Central and he could still hear, like from a radio suddenly turned up, their adolescent talk, words spoken in whispers, of what went on there at night.

Bahnee killed the engine, then the lights. They had parked in front of one of the subdivision's lampposts which stood across the street that ran behind the bleachers and the grandstand, and they had enough light to go by. The rain gave no sign of letting up, rapping on the jeep's roof like a thousand birds pecking. Tonets turned to them. "Before anything else. .." Tonets fumbled with the plastic bag. He pulled out a bottle of gin and a plastic cup. "Hold this, Adam," Tonets said, handing him the cup. "You'll be the tanggero anyway." Like a person who couldn't say no to an offer due to force of habit, he took the cup. That was his role. How could it not be? It was his role since he was ten--since he started hanging around with his older neighbors in the nearby sari-sari. He was the expert when it came to passing the glass or cup around. He knew how much to pour.

Tonets took the cap off the bottle with his teeth and poured some of the gin in the rain. "For the spirits," he said. "Here, Adam." Tonets handed him the bottle.

Adam poured gin into the plastic cup and offered it to Udoy. "No. You first, Adam,"

"I won't be drinking. I had enough."

"C'mon now, Adam. The Adam I know doesn't know the word 'enough.'"

"Yeah, Adam," said Tonets. "Just let it all hang. Tonight we're going to have a good time."

Adam could smell the alcohol, nauseating, but, even in his present state, still inviting. Alcoholic. That was he. Surely, he had already used that word many times before to refer to himself. But it was just one of his trite ways of putting himself down, of saying No hope for me, friend. See, I can't help myself. This time, the word seemed to hit him with a new meaning--the real one. Slowly, he drew the cup toward him, the smell of alcohol getting stronger. It made him more nauseous; yet at the same time, he craved it. He brought the cup to his lips. "Yes!" said Tonets and Udoy.

***

The cup went round for three passes. They had all drunk from the cup, including Michelle who gamely kept up with them.

"I guess that's enough of an appetizer," said Udoy.

"You go first, Udoy," said Tonets. "You got. . ."

"Got them right here," Udoy said, tapping the pocket of his pants. Udoy turned to the girl. "Come, Michelle," he said, grabbing her wrist.

"It's still raining," said Michelle, her voice louder than usual.

"We'll just run sweetheart. Besides, we're just at the foot of the stairs."

"I want to be with Adam for a while," she said, pressing closer to him, again soft against him. She still smelled of soap despite the gin that she had.

"Come on," said Udoy. "Or perhaps you would like to go with Adam first," he said, letting go of the girl's hand.

"C'mon Adam. You go," said Tonets.

Adam shook his head in his slow, quaintly emphatic way. "I'm fine. Go ahead."

"C'mon Adam," said Bahnee.

"Really. I'll just stay here," said Adam.

"You heard it, sweetheart. Your gentleman doesn't want to go with you," said Udoy.

"Don't you like me Adam? Huh? Don't you like me?" said Michelle, talking with her face tilted against his.

"Well, yes." As his habit in embarrassing situations, he tried to say this as if making one of his corny jokes. (He knew he wasn't one of the comedian types--like Tonets, for example). He did not look at the girl.

"C'mon sweetheart," said Udoy, again grabbing her hand.

"I don't like you anymore, Adam" she said childishly, pulling away from him. Tonets moved to Bahnee's side and pulled down his seat to make way for Udoy and Michelle. Udoy climbed out in the rain and got wet as he helped Michelle out. The couple hurried round the jeep and up the grandstand's steps. At the back, Adam slid up behind the driver's seat and saw Udoy and Michelle disappear in the dark. He was not sure why, but he felt something like sadness. But it wasn't all that he felt. He also felt he was getting bolder.

***

The rain had let up somewhat when Udoy come down.

"You were ages up there," Tonets said.

"Made the most of it 'tol. Made the most of it," said Udoy, crawling inside.

Bahnee went up next. Tonets called after Bahnee. "Hurry up, Bahnee. I'm about to explode."

Udoy said, "The best, Adam. The best. C'mon Adam. Go next. I still got some rubbers here."

"Go Adam," said Tonets. "Besides, aren't you still a virgin?"

He was, but he did not say this. Instead he said, "I'm fine. Really," But for a while there, he thought he was about to relent. She was so soft against him. He wondered how soft the rest of her body was. Of course she was just a whore. But did this make any difference?

Bahnee was quick.

"I'll show her what a real man's like," said Tonets, climbing out in the persistent rain.

***

The rain had stopped and Tonets was still up in the grandstand.

"That sonofabitch took longer than I did," said Udoy. "And he's still up there." Udoy's face was lost in a haze of smoke.

They were all smoking to pass the time. They had already finished the first bottle and Adam was holding another one. He had been holding it for some time now without pouring, but no one seemed to notice or care. He was somewhat thankful for this, for he was getting light-headed fast what with his hangover from the previous drinking bout and the absence of pulutan to pad his empty stomach. Not to mention there wasn't any chaser to dilute the alcohol. In the meantime, he put the bottle and the plastic cup at his feet.

Behind the lamppost which they faced, stood a two-story house, and now a light came on the second floor. Bahnee switched the wiper on, then off. Somebody walked past the window. "Can they see us?" Udoy said.

"I don't think so," Bahnee said.

"I think they can," said Udoy.

"No. We're in the dark," Adam said.

"Besides, their light is on. You can't see what's outside if your light is on." His speech now seemed a little slurred.

Somebody else walked by the window. ; After a while the light went out.

"They can see us now," Udoy said. He took a drag, the cigarette glowing red as it rose to his face. The red glow came down. "I bet that's the husband, and he just did it with his wife."

Adam wondered what his parents were doing. Were they waiting for him? He did not think so. They had gotten used to him, resigned to his drunken and drinking ways. Perhaps they still hoped. But was hope still possible for a son who would come home with stitches on his face because he slammed his bicycle into a wall? Was hope still possible for someone who had bungled his chance to finish Electronics and Computer Engineering in Manila by drinking his time away? Well, he didn't really. He just didn't like that course, what with all the programming and the other technical stuff that he had to learn. Math was what he wanted to study all along. It was always Math--Math that he was now taking in one of the local universities. He had tried telling his family that, that it was the numbers that he really cared for, but nobody listened. So it wasn't entirely his fault. He got bored--that's what happened.

Bahnee was saying, "Maybe he's not even her husband."

"Maybe the real husband's in Saudi," Udoy said.

"We had such a neighbor once. Husband was a seaman," Bahnee said. "The lover couldn't pull his dick out. They were brought to the hospital wrapped in a mat. Can you imagine?"

"How were they able to separate them?" said Udoy.

"I think they couldn't. They cut the guy's dick off."

"That's bull. Nobody would let his dick be cut off," said Udoy.

"Well, I'm not sure. But that's what I remember."

They all pulled a drag, three red glows rising at the same time. Then he heard Bahnee say, "Do you like it at all? I mean, screwing a whore?" Bahnee stared right ahead through the windshield which was getting fogged again by drizzle.

"It's okay. Eases the pain down the loins. Afterwards, you want to kick the bitch," said Udoy.

"That's how I feel too," said Bahnee, laughing. He pulled the wiper on again, pressing it off after two arcs. But nobody turned the light on in the house this time. He went on, "How about you Adam? Do you like to do it with whores?"

"I wouldn't know," he said. He had trouble letting the words out.

"C'mon," said Bahnee.

"Really. I wouldn't know." Again, his words were heavy on his tongue.

"You're not lying, are you?" Bahnee said, turning his head.

"No." He drew from the cigarette.

"I don't know if I'm going to pity or envy you," Bahnee said.

"My first time was with a hooker and I was drunk. Well, not like this. I mean, really drunk. It sucked, of course. You know, I had a hard time getting off. Do you like to do it with a hooker right now, Adam?"

"C'mon Adam," said Udoy.

"I'm fine. Really." He was about to say that he wasn't going to have sex until he was married. But he didn't. Not that he didn't want to sound silly. He just knew where he stood on things like that.

Udoy said, "You're not going to have AIDS or anything. Here. Udoy reached for his wrist and put a pair of condom packets in his hand.

"No, thanks. Really," he said, trying to give back the rubbers. He wasn't used to holding them. There was only one time when he experimented with them--in the bathroom, alone. But his arm hung in the darkness, the condoms still in his hand.

"You don't have to do it," Bahnee said.

"You know, just give her the works."

He had not thought about that. He brought down his hand.

Bahnee said, "You don't have to do anything. Just leave everything to her."

"She'll teach you all you need to know," said Udoy. "Think of it as another initiation."

Adam reached for the bottle and the plastic cup which lay at his feet. He started pouring--the condoms and the cup in one hand and the bottle and the cigarette in the other--but realized that the bottle had been almost empty. What he had just poured wasn't enough for another shot--his shot. "Tonets, could you hand me another bottle?" he said, his speech still slurred.

***

Her voice rose in the dark. "Here," she said. He was making his way with Udoy's lighter, flicking it on and off as he felt his way with his feet, which, now, were a little unsteady. He walked up to the middle rows where her voice came from. Then he was two  rows from her and he let the lighter's flame burn for a while, trying to get a good look at her. She only had her shirt on and   she was holding it down between her thighs.

"Come here, Adam. Sit," she said. He groped toward her, then put out the flame. She reached for his hand. "Sit beside me, Adam," she said. "I'm still warm with all that gin."

His heart was racing.

"What do you want me to do?" she said, moving closer.

"Let's just talk," he said. Again, he had difficulty saying the words. Although they could not see each other, he did not look at her. He slid the lighter in his pocket and his hand found the rubbers.

"C'mon Adam. You want more than that," she said. She pressed closer and he felt her soft against him once more. She was not wearing anything underneath her shirt. "What do you want to do, Adam?"

He wanted to reply but his voice deserted him. He sat unmoving, staring ahead. If it were daytime he would see the oval where he had run his marathons as a student, the other grandstand at his left, the school buildings at his right, and the mountain farther out which he had climbed alone a number of times. But all he saw was the vast darkness. He turned his eyes to where the jeep was but he could not see it from where they sat. The entire universe had been abandoned and only the two of them were left. Michelle was groping for his hand. She pulled his hand toward her and he turned to her, stiffly, letting her. Then he was being pushed down, until the wood was hard against the back of his head and shoulders. He kept his eyes open, and stared at the roof's underside, but all he could see was the darkness, the all-encompassing darkness.

Then he could hear raindrops again, slowly beating at first, then accelerating to a crescendo, the unmistakable drumming. He closed his eyes and started to listen. Slowly whirling darkness and the patter of the rain. . .

Suddenly, like a flash, like the lightning that now struck in the darkness of his shut eyes, he had a vision of the couple they saw in the two-story house. They were making love, and they were making love at that very moment, the heat of their bodies fending off the cold outside that seeped into their bedroom. It wasn't lust but love, pure love, slow, immaculate love, unmindful, oblivious of the pounding heavens outside. He sat up.

"What's the matter?" Michelle said.

"Michelle. . ." he said.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Can I ask you a favor?" The words were still slippery.

"What?

"I'm leaving. Don't tell them yet. Go down and tell them when you think I'm really gone." This time, he had control over his words. They didn't slip so easily from his tongue anymore.

"What?"

"I'm leaving."

He got up, took the lighter from his pocket and flicked it on. He slowly came down the rows toward the stairs facing the one he came from.

***

In the rain, he was running now, soaked yet still warm, running just like when he was a student there, running like his life depended on it, like he was in one of those marathons around the oval that tested his limits, like he was racing up the mountain against time, splashing his way past the other bleacher, past one of the one-story buildings, running till he turned the Intermediate Building and he was in front of the school. It was dark, but there was a lone lamppost across the highway in front of the nearest wrought iron gate. He ran toward the gate, but when he reached it, he found out that it was locked. He shook it like a caged man. He ran for the concrete fence beside the gate but chicken wire ran on top of it. He ran back to the gate and looked up; the rain hit his face and he closed his eyes--he could still sense the dark whirl. He opened his eyes again. With both hands, he grabbed wet metal, stepped on the locked latch and, soaked to the bone, mustering all energy left, started to pull himself up.