"Live the Life"
The Ram Play
written by Ram
March 2009

town of STamborough est. 1876.
68 Pleasant Street, Town of Stamborough,
Index County,
State of New Leeds, zip code 01876, USA
68 Pleasant Street, Town of Stamborough,
Index County,
State of New Leeds, zip codes 01876, USA
Route 124.

The 124th anniversary of STamborough!

Jim: Out of ink! Out of blue ink! But all I was printing was black! Black text! I checked my preferences to gray scale, for a print job that was all single-toned black.
My printer runs through ink like cigarettes! And triple is the price of dear cartridges!
And I can't get an EPSON cartridge from CVS.

People:
Bianca and Greg Whalen
Sergeant Scott Miller (police officer)
Mark the adulterer
Jim Walker
Attorney Joseph Teague
Camila Libel Orangewood, PGY3/MD the therapist
Timothy the supervisor

The Town of Stamborough,
in Tawnyport County

I.
II.
III.
IV.
V.
VI.
VII.

Act One
Scene One

[Jim is at home with his pet Eagle, Edgar. Before jim speaks
Edgar is played by an actor with an eagle mask (and, if managed by stage costumes, flapping wings).]

3 a.m.
Jim with a typewriter.
Jim [to the audience]: Good evening, everyone.
I've brewed a pot of coffee.
Would y'all like some?

Would you like some, Edgar?

I watched the news on the International News Network.
I have been wrapping up a letter to the editor of our Stamborough Tribune.

I started off with five pages. I have condensed most of it into two.

What should we people of Stamborough do?

[The doorbell rings.]
Ellen: Good evening, sir.
How are things going with you?
Jim: Dear neighbour, it's great to have you here?
Would you like some coffee?
Ellen: No thanks I'm fine.

[Jim moves from the typewriter desk to his old, upright piano.]

Jim: The letter's done, with the census taker being my muse. I will drop my envelope presently at the corner postal drop box.

Jim kicks of his fuzzy synthetic rabbit-faced sandals.

Jim: Here's my piece,
dear tribune of our Stamborough.
Swift as Hermes, and off I go!

Lights go out.

Act One. Scene Two.

The sun rises above the pond of Cacahuatl.
Two joggers (Bianca and Greg) wearing ASICS Kayano-15s go at a skippity pace from stage left to right.

Bianca: The weather's warmed up, since we've passed by here last week.
The sun is lovely, and it isn't even spring yet.

Greg: Bianca dear, I agree with you under this most agreeable weather.

Bianca: Across Cacahuatl lake, I see ever more of our neighbours.

Greg: Is that Winston, with his German Shepherd Ludendorff?

Bianca: Yes, dear Greg. I do recognize him by his orange knit cap.

Fred walks towards them from the other side of the stage.

Fred has his beagle Snoopy with him.

Two joggers (Bianca and Greg) wearing ASICS Kayano-15s go in front of jim at a ' they skippity pace. "good morning,
they greet jim, smile and jog on.

Cacahuatl, Cacahuatl, my what a pond!
I had trekked around this until I got to Paytonville, where I landed a job. At Malachi's Packie and Delicatessen, we took more business in than any seven-eleven.

Although our store had no license for the whiskey,
our beer shoppers would now and then ask,
we have sold quite a bunch of beer balls, with matching taps!

Jim: May I please speak with Liz?
Liz: "This is she!"
I have had quite a lovely day today.
That's great to hear, honey.

Town of Stamborough, established 1676

Liz: Are you sure I'm not forcing my way on you?
Jim blushes.]

Jim: Who else but Liz,
takes an invitation
the way she does?
Not snatching it up right away,
but rolling it around...
like a ball of yarn.

My prom date's flat "yes"
from fourteen years ago
never got me all giddied up.
[Lights go out.]

Saint Ignatius's food pantry.
Bianca: It's been so good of Mr. Cooper to keep handing us his day-old donuts.

Richard: Good morning!

This is the coffee house,
where I have Eggs Benedict.

I have no extra money for roses
tomorrow night.

I royally miss the Liz of October 2000.

Liz: We won't see each other, if don't meet up tonight!
Jim: Hold me tight, when I'm quite so terrified!

Hold me tight, Elizabeth, when I am quite so terrified.

***
I can't afford Bradford.

It was not even a year,
not even half.

I thank, you all, for being here for me.
The early bird gets the Word.

Caffeine is the new alcohol.
\
I am Jim Walker.

Bianca {to Greg]: Shall we tell Jim that we saw her with Mark?
Jim, we saw Liz, and she was not alone.
Jim, we saw Liz, who you say is
never home...
These days.

Jim: I don't need a woman to be a man.

John: Jim, you're the best.
Don't think

Thanksgiving, the Whalens had me over.
I telephoned Liz, but she hid behind the phone.

Liz is an atheist, (so) she doesn't celebrate Hannukah or Christmas.

The STamborough Medical Action Council.

Marching on March

Greg: Jim, my friend,
how are things going with you?

I never got around to driving Liz to her family in the town of Masthead.

Listening all night to Whitesnake, the archetypal minstrels of monogamic desire.

Is this Love?
Seven million hits on the Internet.
A million and a half are mine.

Mark left his wife, but refused to marry Liz, who lives with him, anyway, on Cobard street.

Give me a hug.
Benefit run.
Defend Stamborough, Abolish SMAC! Evict SMAC!

Two strong couples over here,
and I am the kicker.
[The Chorus sings or recites the closing passage lightly jogging around.]
We the people of Stamborough.
run
This is our town.
Our state is all stashed with lottery.
Fare
Each day is a challenge,
but there's nothing we won't manage.

68 Pleasant Street, Town of Stamborough,
Index County,
State of New Leeds, zip code 01876, USA

[The Chorus sings or recites the closing passage lightly jogging around.]

Stambrough Chorus:
Come ye all, commuters and tourists.
Have yourself a corned beef sandwhich.
Feed your families
and our parking meters
on weekday office-hour visits.

We've got the best two dentists
in Index County.
They'll perfect your tooth ceramics
right on their very clinics' premises.

Saltwater taffy and fancy fudge
are on Bishop's corner.