Chapter XVI

Leonard Loveland, aside from being suave and swarthy, was also unflappable. He was a man who knew how to deal with the stresses of life, and the word panic wasn’t part of his vocabulary. This all changed rather abruptly one day in December 1966.
He was in his lounge gazing out into the garden, enjoying a final swift coffee before setting out for central London. His empty gaze suddenly became more focussed when he saw his wife and Catherine leading Poppy and Judith up the gravel driveway. What was disconcerting for him was that fact that they were accompanied by the young woman he’d ardently banged about a fortnight earlier.
“JESUS CHRIST!!!”
The blood drained instantly from Leonard’s face as he silently breathed the exclamation.
After thankfully remembering to pick up his briefcase, he rushed up the stairs to find a place to hide. Never before had a successful conquest come back to haunt him, and he was terrified about getting his comeuppance in the most horrible way imaginable.

He was just out of sight as the key entered the front door, and stood silently outside the master bedroom contemplating his situation.
“ARE YOU IN LEONARD?”
Mr Loveland thought it best not to answer, and a million thoughts bounced through his head. Does his wife know? Does Catherine know? Does the girl know that he lives here?
What Leonard heard next confirmed the ignorance of the three females, although it failed miserably to give him peace of mind.
“CATHERINE’S HERE WITH HER DAUGHTER.”
Leonard suddenly found the idea of being dead quite a welcoming one.
He covered his face with his hands as his heart flapped, before silently marching Marcel Marceau style to the side of the double bed, laying down beside it, and rolling underneath it without making a sound. He stayed there until the coast was clear, one hour and fifty-six minutes later.
After the sheer delight of eventually hearing all three women leave together, he felt it was a minor inconvenience that he had to change his trousers. Using the lavatory was strictly off limits during the previous two hours, and he was grateful for the fact that he didn’t also require a poo.

He thanked his lucky stars that the Aston Martin was still at the garage – three days after he left his keys with a spotty apprentice. Amelia would’ve raised her eyebrows if she saw it parked on the driveway. He uttered a silent prayer lauding the incompetence of the people fixing his car.
He crept out through the back door with a vigilance befitting his predicament.

Grace’s rage had receded appreciably in the two weeks or so since her lover’s vanishing act. The wronged woman put aside all thoughts of penis severance, as she quickly realised that this man wasn’t worth spending time in Holloway for.
Grace, her mother and Amelia Loveland had a pleasant morning together – and they all enjoyed the therapy of a good natter.
The whirlwind episode that Grace recently experienced wasn’t talked about, and she was determined that it never would be. She decided that there must be a decent man out there somewhere who would happily be true and take care of her.
Amelia and Catherine noticed how suddenly Grace’s mood lightened after returning from the lavatory. She was initially rather quiet and subdued, but then burst into life and contributed generously to the conversation.
The instant she burst into life was when she suddenly had one of life’s rare eureka moments. It came to her after she took an impulsive detour to check out the lounge. She immediately clapped eyes on the man who double crossed her so callously. Grace had to do a double take to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Stood next to him was Amelia in a wedding dress. She was in the home of Robert the bastard – and he was her next door neighbour!
She picked up the framed photograph and studied it intently for a few seconds. Soon after the initial shock had worn off, Grace suddenly realised that she now wielded complete and utter power over Robert’s domestic life.
The walk up the stairs to the lavatory was a pleasant one, as Grace began making mental sketches of delicious plans. Her sudden feeling of wellbeing in mind and body was in stark contrast to Mr Loveland’s as she walked past the bedroom. His swarthiness was given a tough examination as he led under the bed, fighting a two pronged battle to not make a sound and to avoid fouling himself.

Leonard was perfectly aware of the danger he was in. His heart raced when he next saw his wife, and she re-informed him that she met Catherine’s daughter. Thankfully, Amelia was totally oblivious to any sign that his member had gone walkabout. Leonard was also thankful when his wife also informed him that Grace had gone back to the university later that day. At least it gave him time to come up with a solution to the problem.
Even so, Mr Loveland was still shitting himself. Four days after the bombshell, he was as worried as ever.
He stooped down to pick up Saturday’s mail. Among the five envelopes, he noticed one with a neatly handwritten address, and marked ‘private and confidential.’
Leonard had always been a sunny, jokey and optimistic man. Now he was on twenty-four hour paranoia alert, and anything slightly suspicious had him fearing the worst.
His heart sank when he saw the letter, and his paranoia made him assume it was from Grace.
“Dear Mr Loveland,”
There was no sender’s address on the top right hand corner of the letter, and this made him even more doomladen.
“I hope that this letter finds you well and in good spirit.
I felt that I had to write to you, as I am concerned that publications such as the magazine you edit may be threatening the moral fabric of our society.
I do realise that times are changing, and that people – especially the young, are susceptible to a more lax approach to personal standards.
Your magazine seems to take an almost celebratory view about issues such as drug taking by the famous, and a lowering of sexual morals.”
Leonard looked up from the page and fretted. Despite his paranoia having been evaporated by the contents of the letter, it was hardly a tonic to receive a lecture from an eloquent Mary Whitehouse.
He continued to read on,
“I thought you might like to learn that my name is Grace Windcheater, and by a happy coincidence, I have recently discovered that you live next door to my parents.
After I am positive that enough time has elapsed for you to have read this letter, I will ask my mother to invite yourself and Amelia – whom I found to be a charming woman, for dinner at our house. I myself will also be attending.
I didn’t want my mother to let you know about the invitation without you being pre-warned. I think it would have been morally unsporting not to.
If you would rather I didn’t mention to my mother and your wife that you had sex with me, then I will require one hundred pounds.
If you choose that option, then you can send a cheque made payable to myself at the following address:
Leonard couldn’t have been any more troubled if he had been surrounded by lions and wasps.