.TH E SPACE PIRTES.

PART SIX,

JOHN E. STERLING.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IT’S BEEN GETTING QUITE EXCITING, NOT ONLY HAVE THE DRUNKEN IDIOTS KNOWN AS THE SPACE PIRATES MANAGED TO LEAVE THE ROTTEN PLANET OF MAROON BALLOON, USING A HANDY DANDY METEOR STORM, THEY NOW FIND THEMSELVES IN NEAR PROXIMITY TO A TAG PATROL SHIP.
THE TAGS BEING THE REASON THEY WERE ON THE USELESS PURPLE PLANET IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THE TAGS ARE OF COURSE PISSED OFF THAT THEIR BELOVED PLATINUM SHAPESHIFTING SPACESHIP, ‘THE TARA CANDY’ HAD BEEN STOLEN BY SAID SPACE GITS, ANYWAY, ENOUGH INTRO, COS, HERE WE GO.

THIS WEEKS SPECIAL GUEST STARS; DEATH MONKEY.

FOR A MOMENT OR TWO BOTH SHIPS JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.
THE TARA CANDY HAD JUST APPEARED AFTER WEEKS OF SEARCHING, BEING TOWED BY A SPACE ROCK OF ALL THINGS.

THE TAG PATROL SHIP COMMANDER HESITATED ONLY BECAUSE THIS WAS THE ‘TARA CANDY’ AFTER ALL, IF HE FIRED UPON THE SHIP AND ACTUALLY CAUSED DAMAGE, THAT WOULD BE BIG TRUB FOR HIM, PLUS THIS WAS ‘THE TARA CANDY‘, IF HE FIRED UPON IT AND THE THIEVING PIRATES GOT PISSED OFF THEY COULD WIPE HIM OUT IN BLINKS.

HE DECIDED THE BEST THING WAS TO SOUND GENERAL ALERT AND GET THE FRAG OUT OF THERE.

OF COURSE HIS DECISION MAY HAVE BEEN ALTERED IF HE HAD KNOWN THE SHIP WAS AS DEAD AS DUCKS, AND PILOTED BY THE MORONIC PAIR KNOWN AS ’THE SPACE PIRATES’

ANYWAY HE DIDN’T SO OFF THEY WENT.

THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED MORONS WATCHED THROUGH A CRACKED VIEWSCREEN AS THE SHIP ZOOMED OFF.

“OK, FIRSTY” SAID THE CAPTAIN BREAKING THE SILENCE. “HERE WE ARE SITTING IN THAT HORRIBLE PLANETS BORING ORBIT, WE STILL HAVE NO POWER, WHICH IN TURN MEANS NO WEAPONS, WHICH IN TURN WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE, WHICH IN TURN MEANS WE HAVE NO SHIELDS, ALSO, QUITE SOON THE TAGS WILL BE BACK IN FORCE TO KILL US, AND NO DOUBT TAKE THEIR SHIP BACK, WHICH I HAVE BECOME RATHER FOND OF AS IT HAPPENS.”

“SHOULD HAVE BLOWN EM OUT OF THE STARS.” STATED AN EXCITED FIRSTY.

“ER, YES, SHOULD OF FIRSTY, BUT YOU KNOW, THINGS HOW THEY ARE, THE RECESSION AND THAT.”
HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO MENTION THAT THEY HAVE NO COMPUTER SYSTEM TO TALK ABOUT, WHEN THREE THINGS HAPPENED AT ONCE.

ONE; FIRSTY SAID, “YEAH, THAT IS BORING.”

TWO; THE SHIPS COMPUTER WALKED ONTO THE BRIDGE.

THREE; A GIANT SPACE OCTOPUS APPEARED ON THE VIEWSCREEN AND STARTED BLASTING THE SHIP WITH LASERS WHICH FIRED FROM THE END OF ITS’ TENTACLE THINGS.

NOW FIRSTY HAD NOT YET SEEN THE SHIPS COMPUTER, WHICH WAS A LARGE METAL ANDROID, SO THAT SHOCKED HIM A BIT, BUT HIS SHOCKINESS JUMPED UP ANOTHER LEVEL WHEN HE SAW THE SPACE OCTOPUS, AND EVEN A LITTLE BIT MORE WHEN SAID GIGANTIC OCTOPUS STARTED FIRING AT THEM.

“WHAT THE STARBARS IS THAT, AND WHY IS IT FIRING AT US?” SHOUTED AN EXCITED CAPTAIN.
FIRSTY SHOOK HIS HEAD, IN A FRANTIC, ‘I REALLY DON’T KNOW’ FASHION.

“INFORMATION” STATED THE SHIPS’ COMPUTER WHO WAS NOW STANDING BEHIND FIRSTY, MAKING HIM VERY NERVOUS.

“THAT IS ALCOVIAN THE GUARDIAN OF THE EXCLUSIVE SPACE TREASURE ’THE TEARDROP EXPLODES’

“CAN WE CALL HIM AL?, AND WHY IS HE FIRING AT US?”

“HE BELIEVES THAT YOU ARE HERE TO STEAL THE PRECIOUS TREASURE KNOWN AS…..”

“YEAH, YEAH GROOVY, WE’VE BEEN STUCK ON THAT PLANET FOR WEEKS, AND NOW WE FINALLY LEAVE AND ARE JUST ABOUT TO BE KILLED FOR OUR EFFORTS, THIS SPACE SQUID TURNS UP AND ALSO TRIES TO KILL US.”

“HE BELIEVES YOU HAVE THE TREASURE KNOWN AS THE…….”

“YEAH OKAY,” INTERRUPTED FIRSTY, “MAYBE THE ROCK STORM WOKE HIM UP, AND MAYBE,” HE SAID TURNING TO THE CAPTAIN. “WE DO HAVE THE TREASURE, REMEMBER WE SENT THE ROBOTS OUT ON RECON, MAYBE ONE OF THE BOTS PICKED IT UP OR SOMETHING.”

THE CAPTAIN ROLLED HIS EYES, “GNNH.” HE SAID.

“OKAY SHIPS’ COMPUTER, COULD YOU PLEASE ASK THE ROBOTS IF ANY OF THEM HAS THE ‘TEARDROP EXPLODES’ ON THEM AND IF THEY HAVE, COULD THEY GIVE IT BACK TO THE TENTACLED ONE BEFORE HE DESTROYS US BECAUSE ANY SECOND NOW THE TAGS WILL BE BACK TO DESTROY US.”

FIRSTY NODDED HIS HEAD ENTHUSIASTICALLY IN A KIND OF NERVOUS AGREEMENT.

THE SHIPS COMPUTER LIFTED ITS’ RIGHT ARM, IT WAS HEAVY AND CLANKY. ‘SURPRISING’ THOUGHT THE NODDING FIRSTY, ’SUCH A HIGH TECH SHIP WITH SUCH A OLDEN FASHIONED ROBOT/ SHIPS’ COMPUTER THAT WALKS ABOUT THE PLACE.’

“ THE DROID KNOWN AS TENGON HAS THE TREASURE, I HAVE INSTRUCTED HIM TO GIVE IT BACK TO ALCOVIAN.”

“EXCELLENT,” SAID THE CAPTAIN, THEN, “HAVE YOU NAMED ALL THE ROBOTS?"

“I DID NOT NAME THEM, THEY ARE PART OF THE SHIP, SHE NAMED THEM.”

AT THAT MOMENT THE SPACEY PAIR WATCHED THROUGH A SHATTERED VIEWSCREEN AS ONE OF THE ROBOTS, ’TENGON’ OBVIOUSLY, LEFT A PURPLE SPARKLY TRAIL AS IT JETTED TOWARDS THE LOOMING SPACE OCTOPUS.
IN THE DROIDS CLUTCHES WAS A GLOWING BLUE ORB, WHICH BATHED THE CREATURE AND THE SHIP WITH A DAZZLING BLUE HUE. BLUENESS SOAKED THE BRIDGE AND ITS’ OCCUPANTS.
THE CAPTAIN STOOD AND POINTED, “THE TEARDROPEXPLODES, AWE AT ITS’ AWENESS, AND THANK THE MILK WE DRINK THAT IT HAS BEEN RETURNED TO ITS’ TRUE GUARDIAN.”

“YES.” STATED FIRSTY.

“THAAAAANKYOOU,” SAID ALCOVIAN WAVING ONE OF ITS’ TENTACLES AT THE BRIDGE, “I NOW RETURN TO MAROON BALLOON TO CONTINUE MY VIGIL OF GUARDING THE TEARDROPEXPLODES FOR ANOTHER THOUSAND LONG THINGS, AND YES YOU CAN CALL ME AL.”

THE CAPTAIN WAVED. “FAREWELL, BRAVE THING GUARDIAN, I AM SURE THAT ONE DAY OUR DESTINIES’ WILL CROSS AGAIN,… AL”

“I HOPE NOT.” SAID A FRETTING FIRSTY.

THE SQUID NODDED, AND THEN SLOWLY DISAPPEARED FROM THE SCREEN.

“NOW THEN, BACK TO BUSINESS.”

A REALLY BIG TAG ATTACK SHIP APPEARED.

IT WAS FLANKED BY TWO SMALLER STRIKE SHIPS.

THE SHIPS’ COMPUTER SPOKE, “INFORMATION, INCOMING TRANSMISSION.”
THEY TURNED THEIR BEMUSED STARES FROM THE ANDROID TO THE SCREEN. WAVING INTO VIEW A TAG APPEARED, BIG, GREEN, AND ANGRY.

“YOU TWO,” THE TAG STOPPED AND WAVED AN ANGRY DIGIT, HE BREATHED IN, “YOU TWO HAVE CAUSED ME SO MUCH TROUBLE, THAT I WILL SPEND THE NEXT THOUSAND BLIMS TORTURING YOU TO DEATH, NOW PREPARE TO BE BOARDED.”

“WHO IS THAT?” THE CAPTAIN ASKED THE SHIPS’ COMPUTER.

“HE IS TULFIN T.G. AIRE, MILITARY LEADER OF THE GLORIOUS TAGS, AND OFFICIAL PROTECTOR OF THE TARA CANDY, THE SHIP IN WHICH WE CURRENTLY CONTROL.”
“OH, OKAY.”
“NO WONDER HE’S MAD CAPTAIN,” STATED FIRSTY, WHY DON’T WE JUST EVAC, TAKE OUR CHANCES IN SPACE.”

THE CAPTAIN MULLED FOR A NANOSECOND, “WELL FIRSTY, BECAUSE I LIKE THIS SHIP ESPECIALLY SINCE WE FOUND THAT GROOVY GALLEY.”
“BUT HE’LL BLOW US OUT OF SPACE IF WE DON’T GIVE HIM THE SHIP BACK.”
“NUMBER ONE FIRSTY, HE WILL NOT BLOW THIS PRECIOUS SHIP APART, NUMBER B HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT WE HAVE NO DEFENSES, EITHER SHIELDS OR WEAPONS, AM I RIGHT COMPUTER.”
“YOU ARE CORRECT CAPTAIN, THE TARA CANDY HAS A STEALTH DISRUPTOR, WHICH MEANS,” THE COMPUTER LOOKED AT THE CONFUSED FACES OF THE SPACEY PAIR. “THEY CAN’T TELL THE SHIP IS DEAD.” ANSWERED THE COMPUTER.
FIRSTY SHRUGGED.

“AND THIRDLY, I AM GOING TO PRETEND THAT WE HAVE SOME SPACE TREASURE ABOARD AS A BARGAINING TOOL.”

“SPACE TREASURE, EH?’ QUESTIONED FIRSTY.

“OPEN TRANSMISSION CHANNEL COMPUTER.”

THE SHIPS COMPUTER NODDED, HIS EYES FLASHED, AND HE POINTED TO THE VIEWSCREEN, TO HELP OUT WHICH DIRECTION THE NEWLY BEMUSED PIRATES SHOULD LOOK.

THE SCREEN WOBBLED AND WAVED FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN THE MENACING TAG CAME INTO FOCUS.

THE CAPTAIN SPOKE. “HELLO THERE MR AIR, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?,” THE TAG GRUNTED,
“GOOD, GOOD, WELL IT IS LIKE THIS, WE HAVE LET OUT ALL KINDS OF RADIATION OUT ON THIS SHIP IN THE SEARCH OF ALE AND SUCH, I MEAN RADIATION EVERYWHERE, AND SO BEFORE YOU ARRIVED WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO JETTISON ALL OF OUR SPACE TREASURE DOWN TO THE PLANET,, SO THAT WE COULD, ER, CLEAN IT AND STUFF, AND THEN WE WERE GOING TO BLOW UP THE SHIP, YOU KNOW, JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.”
THE VISIBLY SHOCKED TAG SAT BACK IN HIS BIG CRAZY SEAT.

“YEAH SO , ANYWAY SEEING AS YOU ARE HERE NOW, WHY DON’T I SEND OVER ALL THE TREASURE, SO YOU CAN DE RADIATE IT, AND THEN YOU COULD TOW US, AND THE SHIP, AND THE TREASURE BACK TO TAGLAND.”

“THAT’S THE PLANET TAG.” INTERRUPTED THE BIG GREEN THING.

“YES, YES, A LOVELY PLACE THIS TIME OF YEAR I HEAR, SO ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY?”

THE TAG CONSIDERED THE PROPOSITION, HE HAD TO GET THIS SHIP BACK, HE HAD TO TORTURE THESE TWO FOR EVERMORE, HE LIKED THE IDEA OF BONUS TREASURE, IMAGINE THEIR FACES BACK ON TAG, SHIP, PRISONERS, BONUS NON- RADIATION TREASURE.
“I AGREE,” SAID THE TAG THUMPING HIS FIST INTO THE ARM OF HIS BIG CHAIR, “SEND OVER THE TREASURE,” HE TWISTED IN HIS CHAIR AND BARKED OUT AN ORDER. “OPEN HOLDING BAY A”

“WILL DO.” SAID A SMILING CAPTAIN.

“SO, ABOUT THIS NON EXISTENT SPACE TREASURE CAPTAIN.” STATED FIRSTY.

“YES FIRSTY, EXACTLY, I WANT YOU AND THE SHIPS COMPUTER TO JETTISON EVERY PIECE OF RUBBISH, FLOTSAM, JETSON, AND ANYTHING ELSE THIS SHIP DOES NOT NEED, SAVE BOOZE AND FOOD, AND ANY REAL TREASURE THAT YOU MIGHT HAPPEN UPON, AND SEND IT OVER TO THAT SHIPS LOADING BAY.”
I DON’T THINK HE IS GOING TO BE TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT CAPTAIN.” SAID FIRSTY.

“AND, ALSO FIRSTY, I DON’T WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT I DO WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT DISENGAGING THE REMAINING ROBOTS FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THE SHIP AND SENDING THEM OVER WITH ALL THE SPACE CRAP, BUT,” HE SAID WAGGING A CAPTAINORIAL FINGER, “DO NOT ENGAGE THEIR THRUSTERS, JUST LET THEM KIND OF DRIFT OVER, YOU KNOW, INCOGNITO.”

“WILL DO.” SALUTED A CONFUSED FIRSTY.

THE SHIPS COMPUTER STOOD UP AND STARTED TO WALK AROUND THE BRIDGE.

“WHAT’S A HAPPENING!” SHOUTED THE TAG, MAKING EVERYBODY JUMP.

“SPACE TREASURE ON ITS’ WAY TAGGO.”

ENGAGE SPACE RUBBISH FIRSTY, COMPUTER, SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS.”

AND SO IT ALL FLOATED OVER, AND WAS EAGERLY ACCEPTED BY THE TAGS, ONCE IT WAS ALL INSIDE THE BAY DOORS CLOSED.

“THANKS FOR THE TREASURE SPACE MORONS, NOW PREPARE TO BE TOWED.” SAID THE SMILING TAG.

“YOU ARE VERY WELCOME,” REPLIED THE CAPTAIN, “NOW YOU PREPARE TO DIE, COMPUTER, INSTRUCT THE ROBOTS TO ENGAGE THRUSTERS AND FIRE AT WILL, RAPIDLY.“

“HUH!” STATED THE TAG. HIS LAST ORDER WAS TO OPEN BAY DOORS A, AND EVICT EVERYTHING IN IT, BUT, TOO LATE.

THE ROBOTS INTENSE FIRE IN ALL DIRECTIONS FROM THE BELLY OF THE SHIP REEKED HAVOC.
TEN SECONDS LATER IT WAS ALL OVER, THE MAIN TAG SHIP WAS DESTROYED ALONG WITH IT THE TWO ESCORTS.
AS AN ADDED BONUS, DUE TO THE BAY DOORS BEING OPENED, MOST OF THE ROBOTS MANAGED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR CIRCUITS INTACT.

THEY ZOOMED BACK TO THE SHIP LEAVING MULTIPLE SPARKLY PURPLE TRAILS IN THEIR WAKE.

“NICE ONE CAPTAIN.” SAID A SMILING FIRSTY, “I FINK A NICE CELEBRATION OF SPACE ALE AND SUCH IS IN ORDER.’

“I AGREE.” STATED A REMARKABLY LEVEL CAPTAIN, “THEN WE REALLY MUST FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET THIS SHIP UP AND RUNNING.”

“INCOMING TRANSMISSION.” STATED THE SHIPS COMPUTER, WHO HAD STOPPED WALKING AROUND THE BRIDGE.

“OH, YES, WHAT IS IT NOW?” ASKED THE CAPTAIN, LOOKING UP.

“WHY, IT’S THREE LADS CAPTAIN.” STATED FIRSTY, HELPFULLY POINTING AT THE VIEWSCREEN.

“YES, I CAN SEE THAT THANK YOU, WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” ASKED THE CAPTAIN, “DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE TAGS, OR GIANT SPACE OCTOPUSES?”

“NOT REALLY.” SAID THE MIDDLE LONG HAIRED YOUTH, AND THAT’S ACTUALLY OCTOPI.”

“WE ARE DEATH MONKEY.” SAID THE LEFT LONG HAIR.

“WE TRAVEL THE COSMOS IN SEARCH OF A DRUMMER FOR OUR BEAT COMBO.” LAMENTED THE RIGHT ONE.

“HERE, LET US PLAY YOU ONE OF OUR SONGS.” THEY ALL SAID TOGETHER.

SO THE ALREADY BEMUSED SPACE PIRATES SAT FOR ABOUT THREE MINUTES LISTENING TO ‘THE WYVERN AWAKES.’
BOTH PARTIES SAID THEIR FAREWELLS AFTER IT WAS ESTABLISHED THAT THERE WERE NO COMPETENT DRUMMERS ABOARD THE TARA CANDY.

THE SHIPS’ GALLEY.

“WHAT A STRANGE DAY.”

“YES FIRSTY IT WAS.”

THE SHIPS’ COMPUTER SAT AT ONE END OF THE TABLE LOOKING THOUGHTFUL.
‘WHOEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A COMPUTER WOULD LIKE SPACE ALE.’ THOUGHT FIRSTY.

“THE ROBOTS SAVED US TWICE TODAY“ SAID THE SHIPS’ COMPUTER AND DOWNED THE LAST OF HIS BOTTLE.

“HERE’S TO GWARK!”

ALLRIGHT KIDS, THAT WAS AN EXCITING EPISODE, OUR THANKS AGAIN TO SPACE MONKEY, (APPLAUSE)
WE ARE RUNNING SHORT OF TIME DUE TO THE DEBATE AND FUCKING BASEBALL, THE SECOND MOST BORING GAME IN THE KNOWN GALAXY, APART FROM CRICKET, OF COURSE.

AND SO WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME FOR WHAT WILL BE KNOWN AS PART SEVEN.

JOHN E. STERLING.