13. Jeanne & Francesco Wrestle With Animal Rights Ethics And A Jewish Psychoanalyst.

Jeanne and Francesco dressed in their usual attire, exit an elevator onto a posh floor. They walk gingerly on the polished wood floors and Oriental carpet and past mahogany furniture. They enter a receptionist area for Dr. Kratz' office. A suave young woman with a dark complexion greets the odd couple.

"Good morning, may I help you?"

Francesco responds, "Yes, we are Francesco and Jeanne. We scheduled an appointment for
10 o'clock."

The receptionist looks through her leather bound appointment book. "Oh, yes, here you are. Do you have last names?"

Startled, Jeanne stares at Francesco then at the receptionist. "Well, actually my name is Jeanne d'Arc and Francesco gave up his surname name over 800 years ago. Is this a problem?"

The receptionist stares at Jeanne in disbelief. "Oh, I see. Now, what is the reason for your appointment?"

Francesco blushes. "It is rather personal and I would rather not discuss it with you. We are only here for the good doctor's advice and..."

The receptionist shrugs. "Suit yourself." She points at a leather couch. "Please have a seat."

Francesco gasps when he sees the leather couch. "I think that I'll stand."

Jeanne also decides to stand. The receptionist fidgets with the knick knacks on her desk. She stares nervously at the defiant couple. "May I ask what is wrong with the couch? Does it have kooties, perhaps?"

Jeanne whispers in Francesco's ear, "this receptionist is rather rude. Why does she care if we sit on the dead beast couch or not?"

Francesco clears his throat, "we prefer not to sit on the leather couch because we are vegetarians and we don't care for the fact that a few cows had to die to supply others with such luxuries."

Just as the receptionist is about to respond to Francesco's remark, a patient rushes out of the office and storms past Jeanne and Francesco. Jeanne whispers in Francesco's ear, "that is not a good sign. Maybe we should leave."

Dr. Kratz calmly emerges from her office like a bear out of its cave after hibernating all winter long. She pats her unruly hair and adjust her glasses. Her features are slightly weathered and she wears a somber sweater and skirt. She frowns more than she smiles , but she at least attempts a smile when she greets Francesco and Jeanne.

"Hello, good morning--come into my office."

Francesco gently takes Jeanne's hand and he leads her into a dimly lit office. Again, they are faced with the dilemma of a leather couch. Francesco motions for Jeanne to join him in having a seat on the floor. Dr. Kratz watches the couple with disdain.

"Why are you sitting on the floor when there is a perfectly good, might I add, expensive couch available?"

Francesco gently responds in hush tones. "We do not believe in the sacrifice of our animal brothers and sisters. So we will be more comfortable sitting here on the floor."

Dr. Kratz takes a seat on her plush leather armchair. "That is most interesting. I have never heard anyone say that to me before. It is an original response... Now, how can I help you today?"

Francesco responds, "I will start from the beginning if you don't mind."

Dr. Kratz glances at her watch and she nods her head.

Francesco continues. "Jeanne and I are both Christian saints who decided to give the earth plane another chance. Mind you we didn't know that marriage would be so difficult when we chose to marry in this life."

Dr. Kratz writes quickly in her notebook. "Go on..."

Jeanne interrupts, "to make a very long and excruciating story short, we're not able to have sex."

Dr. Kratz pauses and she glances at Jeanne. "Why is that? Does it have something to do with taking a vow of chastity?"

"Well, that and..." Jeanne knocks on her metal girdle. "And because this piece of armor that I'm wearing won't go away."

Dr. Kratz frowns, "is this some kind of joke?"

Jeanne and Francesco answer with vehement nos. Francesco confides, "and sparks fly out of Jeanne's mouth when we try to kiss."

Dr. Kratz grimaces. "Can you show me?"

Jeanne leans forward to kiss Francesco's lips and sparks fly from her mouth scorching Francesco's hair.

Dr. Kratz almost falls out of her comfortable chair when she leans forward to get a closer look. "Oh, I see, this is rather serious. But you know I have no experience dealing with Christian saints. After all, Jews do not believe that Christ was our lord and savior so believing in Christian saints, let alone healing saints, is a bit of a stretch."

Francesco and Jeanne refrain from crying. Dr. Kratz takes pity on the odd couple.

She reflects, "Well, I can try my best. I do know a lot about unusual illnesses."

Dr. Kratz points at a strange minuscule white bump on her arm. "Take for instance this bump on my arm. Suddenly one day it just appeared. I didn't feel any other symptoms and I had no idea what could have caused this bump."

Jeanne and Francesco squint trying to see the bump on Dr. Kratz' arm. Francesco politely responds, "I'm sorry, but I cannot see anything."

Dismayed, Dr. Kratz continues. "Oh, I can see it and just knowing that it is there, waiting to grow and devour my body, keeps me awake at night."

Jeanne interrupts, "what does any of this have to do with Francesco and I not being able to have sex?"
Dr. Kratz ignores Jeanne and she continues her lament. While Francesco feels compassion welling in his heart.

"My throat has been sore lately too. Not just a cold, mind you because it has been sore for weeks."

Jeanne interrupts again, "why don't you go see a specialist?"

"Oh, I have, I have. In fact, I have seen many and they send me to more specialists leading me to believe that this is something very grave."

Francesco recalls washing the feet and limbs of lepers. "Dr. Kratz, have you ever seen someone with leprosy? Now there is something to worry about."

Dr. Kratz begins scratching her arms and legs at the dreadful thought of catching leprosy. How dare this young Francesco bring up such a foreboding topic. She clears her throat.

"Well, why don't you get back to the topic of your marriage?"

Jeanne crosses her legs Indian style and gets more comfortable. "I guess you could ask us about our childhood, although that might be rather strange when it goes back around 800 years, if you're counting all the dimensions involved. Francesco's goes back to the late 1100's."

Dr. Kratz shakes her head. "I'm feeling rather dizzy just thinking about it. What can you tell me about your childhood in this life?"

Jeanne hesitates, "the problem is we didn't have much of a childhood in this life because we came back as the same people we were in previous lives."

Dr. Kratz lets out a silent scream. "How is that possible? Pretty soon you will be telling me that Jesus Christ returned too and he's living in New York City!"

Francesco and Jeanne gawk at one another in astonishment. Francesco rises from the floor and paces the room. "Well, actually..."

Dr. Kratz throws her arms up in the air. "What? Now you are going to tell me this is true?"

"There is a man in New York that says he's Christ. He's married to Magic Mary."

Dr. Kratz glances nervously at her watch and then at Francesco. She wishes he would take a seat on the perfectly good and expensive couch. But at least he stops pacing and takes a seat on the Oriental rug.

"And I suppose they are experiencing problems with chastity too?"

Jeanne blushes, "well, no because believe it or not, Jesus never took a vow of chastity--just a vow of poverty."

"Oh, I see. And I suppose you will tell me next that Magdalene married Christ?"

Francesco peers out the window at a panoramic view of the city. He motions for Jeanne to come and join him. Jeanne glances at Dr. Kratz.

"Yes, it was hard for us to believe too. We were taught that Jesus was a virgin and that Magdalene was not the good sort of woman. But now we hear differently."

Dr. Kratz glances at her watch again. "If you don't mind, I would rather not discuss Christ's controversial life. Now, what do you plan on doing about your overwrought chastity problem?"

Francesco paces the room again. Dr. Kratz motions for him to take a seat, on the floor, anywhere. Jeanne lifts up her dress to reveal her metal girdle. Dr. Kratz does her best to hide her shock.

"I am not sure I can do anything about that contraption. Have you tried a mechanic?"

Jeanne covers herself. "Oh, yes, there is good advice. We're paying you $200 an hour and you want to send me to a mechanic? Do I look like a car to you?"

Dr. Kratz shakes her head. "After all the years I spent at university and in research, I have never come across a couple with chastity problems that involved past lives."

Jeanne laughs, "that's strange because most of the problems we face today came from previous lives."

Jeanne grabs Francesco's hand and she leads him out of the office. "Well, I think we made a mistake in coming here. Sadly, you are unable to offer us any useful advice."

Jeanne slaps a stash of bills on the receptionist's desk as the couple leave the office. Where is that old dignity when you need it most?

Francesco and Jeanne squeeze into a crowded elevator. They watch the numbers change until they reach the first floor. They stroll hand-in-hand through the lobby as businessmen and women gawk at them.

Jeanne guffaws. "If only they knew who we are, straight out of a history book. They would never believe us because they have already built legends in the place of human beings. It's like building skyscrapers among village cottages."

Later, Jeanne and Francesco sit in a dingy cafe, sipping black tea. Francesco sighs. "What will we do now?"

Jeanne grimaces as she chokes down unsweetened tea. "I guess we will keep doing penance."

Francesco frowns, "but why, Jeanne? Didn't we live holy lives? Didn't we sacrifice ourselves for humanity?"

"Watch out Francesco. You are beginning to sound bitter. Don't give up hope. The road to healing is a long one."

"Yes, a long road like a pilgrimage across Europe, except we don't have a proper guide."

Jeanne squeezes honey from a plastic bear into her tea. She stirs the tepid tea with her index finger. "I think we should go see Magic Mary. She can only be better than the psychoanalyst."

Francesco takes a sip of Jeanne's tea and smiles. "Well, it certainly couldn't be any worse. Those leather couches were driving me mad. Imagine what Sister Cow would say about all of that."

Saints that blog themselves at http://www.allsaintsnovel.blogspot.com